“the only love that I really believe in is a mother’s love for her children.”
I don’t know why, but once(before being diagnosed of cancer), my mom asked me this: “If I come back as a spirit (in your dream) after I am dead, would you be scared?” I’d shiver at the feeling of her not being there after I came home from school, but still I would say no. I was only maybe 6 or 7 years old at the time, so she knew I was lying and maybe that’s why she never came after that.
She believed in (Hindu)God and another ‘alive god’, (Sai Baba) and so did I. But later on in my life, some incidents happened and I strongly doubt a god right now, maybe I am wrong. I do, nevertheless believe that she is somewhere out there watching me. But perhaps, if I try to start believing now, she will be happier?
I just wish she came in my dream once in a while now that I am older and could use some of her warmth to continue on. She came in my dream twelve years ago, maybe the year after having passed away, and we played Chess together. She told me to not tell anyone about that and then she would come meet me everyday to play chess and hangout with me.It was stupid but I told my grandmother because I couldn’t hold it inside long enough. Maybe because I broke the promise, she never shows up in my dream anymore. I’d want her to show up in my dream at least once in a while though to give me more strength. I know one thing though, I’d beat her in Chess now :)
When she was in her deathbed, I still regret not being by her side all the time because she probably felt like I, her only son, didn’t care about her enough. She was dying away from cancer in Nepal after being told by top hospitals in USA and India that her situation was hopeless. I was told that you would get better soon, maybe that’s why I didn’t spend every minute by your side. 12 years ago, I didn’t know enough though mom, and I still don’t know but I am trying. But if I knew that a couple days or even anytime from then you’d end up on the cold ground in an early morning, with your pretty red clothes, eyes closed, no blood rushing through you and no oxygen flow, with your motionless hands, and unable to say a thing to me again, I would’ve stayed by your side every second of your life and talked to you. After all, I only got to spend so much of my life with you. If only I knew that days after that, I would be looking at certain women in the streets, hoping that I’d see someone like you again(who would be you) and to go hug you tight and to never let you go.
/I lost the person that I could call a mom when I was 9. But hold on, this is not just a sob story, it’s also a reminder to people how important a Mother is or can be./
On the day you passed away, I sat on your left side on the floor, held your left hand, the hands of the person who birthed me- the one person I could call ‘mommy’, and the only person who now I know really matters in every step of a person’s life. I looked at your face, and felt your fingers. I was hoping that they were wrong- that you really weren’t dead; maybe just asleep; would move your fingers in a second after hearing all the fuzz around you. Hours passed by, and after pinching you gently several times as well as trying to move your hands trying to wake you up and calling on you, it was time for you to be taken to the cemetery for burning ritual. I was blank. I was wondering why no one tried to take you to the hospital, yet I was so emotionally and mentally silent that I couldn’t speak. Sorry I couldn’t drop a single tear that day. It still puzzles me today, maybe it did leave me blank. The only thing going through my head was that I would never be able to call anyone with that name again- ‘mommy.’
For my mom, if she can see this, you will be the most influential person for me despite of knowing only very few about you. But I haven’t forgotten almost all of the moments with you. Some days some memories about you come back as if you are trying to help me remember more. I still remember those jokes you cracked, the tricky games you played with me, the scare you gave me in a funny way, the sweet scent of all the colorful rubbers you brought home for me to play with, and the times you told me what I would do if someone teased you. Those were the happy days, and that was one chapter of my life fully lived, till I was 9. Now, I feel like several chapters have passed and I want to start a new one. In this chapter, I am trying to carry on your name and make the world remember you by doing something great. And hopefully the last chapter will see that to be a success.
I don’t know when you did this, but I found a diary note written to me: “Don’t forget me, son. Always be happy, ok?” First of all, are you joking, how could I dare forget you? And I will try to be as happy as possible, doing the right things, with the life you’ve given me. Thanks, you be happy too, and don’t forget me as well, ok? :)
Happy Mother’s Day.(for all those years passed).
For all you reading this, those of you whose mother passed away already like mine did, I am heart-fully sorry for your loss. Some of you might have been with her for a while and suddenly been heart-broken and I can imagine how much you miss her now and will miss her in the future. Just think of the memories she gave you and what she wanted you to become and try to fulfill it while remaining happy. I think one way is to read what she wrote for you or imagine what she would say to you in certain situations, etc. Lets just be the tough little sunflowers she would dream of us to be. For everyone else with mothers, mother’s day is approaching but don’t wait for it. Don’t give your mom an expensive gift just one day and think that you’ve done enough. In my opinion, Mother’s day should be everyday. You don’t know the full value of her yet, so just trust us and remind her how much you love her and/or miss her, etc. She deserves all of it and a bit more. Without her, you wouldn’t really be here and who you are now and could possibly be, would you?
P.S. Here is that note from her I was talking about. She had some other things written in the diary but this is in the first page. The most important treasure for me, ever.