“It’s my life, I ain’t gonna live forever”

When I die, I will die for you, for something. 

If I die like that, I will make sure that any moment of the time I die won’t be counted as a loss of a useless life.

My life will be one filled with constant bravery, courage, and filled with living while trying my best. I will be the death of a worthy person.

And that is any given moment of the time now. You will see. Any time.

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i may be the devil himself- rhymeless storyless bad poem

Don’t get involved with me

I might be devil himself

I love someone so much, throw away the ‘fun’ in life for the future of that person

I truly do try hard, sleepless nights, or I think I do

but I am so used to this circle of loving and not getting anything back

i am used to it

i just love that person, then get lost after that

i get lost out of myself, in myself

so please forget i ever existed

you don’t deserve crying over a person like that

i might be the devil himself

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Maybe it’s life

This is me.

Writing my life from the scratch,

or am I tearing the pages

Living life to the fullest,

or am I killing myself, for nothing.

Trying my best, waking all night and all day,

What is it for, I do dream, but is that the push I need,

Will the hard work suffice or do you need luck

Or does one need a person’s love,

a close friend, a sister, a brother, or an eye.

Yes an eye, even if it had helped me cry.

Maybe the only thing that will

help me cry is doing my best. That’s why here I am. Writing again. Struggling my best but letting no body know, nobody but my eyes and my lonely mind.

Waking up all night, finding it funny the life you live

is for others, but no one cares about you if you don’t remind them about your existence,

maybe that is life, all of ours,

to roam around in the air like a breathless paper

someone likes it, uses it and then lets it fly again

alone, trashed, but the paper still floats in the air

tries to rise it’s highest, gets to the space, maybe

but realizes it achieved nothing,

gets there and tears apart

then falls back down, but it’s dreaming of rising that high,

maybe it is just trying it’s hardest to float,

sees others papers carefully put in stacks in books, stapled,

then looks at itself and thinks it will make it’s own book,

if it tries it’s best and reaches to the top of the atmosphere,

but the dream comes back,

for real this time.

maybe that is life.

or maybe it’s just mine.

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Poem: “If-” by Rudyard Kipling

This is a poem written by RUDYARD KIPLING who was born in Bombay on December 30th 1865 and is regarded as one of the best poets of his time. Here is a  poem I really like by him, called “If-” and it tells you how you can really become a wiser, honest, and a ‘strong’ man. I thought to share this hoping it could be an inspiration to the rest too!

IF-

IF you can keep your head when all about you 
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ‘em up with worn-out tools: 

If you can make one heap of all your winnings 
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
‘ Or walk with Kings – nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds‘ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And – which is more – you’ll be a Man, my son!

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A perspective on Mother’s Day.

“the only love that I really believe in is a mother’s love for her children.”

mother son walking

I don’t know why, but once(before being diagnosed of cancer), my mom asked me this: “If I come back as a spirit (in your dream) after I am dead, would you be scared?” I’d shiver at the feeling of her not being there after I came home from school, but still I would say no. I was only maybe 6 or 7 years old at the time, so she knew I was lying and maybe that’s why she never came after that.

She believed in (Hindu)God and another ‘alive god’, (Sai Baba) and so did I. But later on in my life, some incidents happened and I strongly doubt a god right now, maybe I am wrong. I do, nevertheless believe that she is somewhere out there watching me. But perhaps, if I try to start believing now, she will be happier?

I just wish she came in my dream once in a while now that I am older and could use some of her warmth to continue on. She came in my dream twelve years ago, maybe the year after having passed away, and we played Chess together. She told me to not tell anyone about that and then she would come meet me everyday to play chess and hangout with me.It was stupid but I told my grandmother because I couldn’t hold it inside long enough. Maybe because I broke the promise, she never shows up in my dream anymore. I’d want her to show up in my dream at least once in a while though to give me more strength. I know one thing though, I’d beat her in Chess now :)

download (1)

When she was in her deathbed, I still regret not being by her side all the time because she probably felt like I, her only son, didn’t care about her enough. She was dying away from cancer in Nepal after being told by top hospitals in USA and India that her situation was hopeless. I was told that you would get better soon, maybe that’s why I didn’t spend every minute by your side. 12 years ago, I didn’t know enough though mom, and I still don’t know but I am trying. But if I knew that a couple days or even anytime from then you’d end up on the cold ground in an early morning, with your pretty red clothes, eyes closed, no blood rushing through you and no oxygen flow, with your motionless hands, and unable to say a thing to me again, I would’ve stayed by your side every second of your life and talked to you. After all, I only got to spend so much of my life with you. If only I knew that days after that, I would be looking at certain women in the streets, hoping that I’d see someone like you again(who would be you) and to go hug you tight and to never let you go.

/I lost the person that I could call a mom when I was 9. But hold on, this is not just a sob story, it’s also a reminder to people how important a Mother is or can be./

On the day you passed away, I sat on your left side on the floor, held your left hand, the hands of the person who birthed me- the one person I could call ‘mommy’, and the only person who now I know really matters in every step of a person’s life. I looked at your face, and felt your fingers. I was hoping that they were wrong- that you really weren’t dead; maybe just asleep; would move your fingers in a second after hearing all the fuzz around you. Hours passed by, and after pinching you gently several times as well as trying to move your hands trying to wake you up and calling on you,  it was time for you to be taken to the cemetery for burning ritual. I was blank. I was wondering why no one tried to take you to the hospital, yet I was so emotionally and mentally silent that I couldn’t speak.  Sorry I couldn’t drop a single tear that day. It still puzzles me today, maybe it did leave me blank. The only thing going through my head was that I would never be able to call anyone with that name again- ‘mommy.’

For my mom, if she can see this, you will be the most influential person for me despite of knowing only very few about you. But I haven’t forgotten almost all of the moments with you. Some days some memories about you come back as if you are trying to help me remember more. I still remember those jokes you cracked, the tricky games you played with me, the scare you gave me in a funny way, the sweet scent of all the colorful rubbers you brought home for me to play with, and the times you told me what I would do if someone teased you. Those were the happy days, and that was one chapter of my life fully lived, till I was 9. Now, I feel like several chapters have passed and I want to start a new one. In this chapter, I am trying to carry on your name and make the world remember you by doing something great. And hopefully the last chapter will see that to be a success.

I don’t know when you did this, but I found a diary note written to me: “Don’t forget me, son. Always be happy, ok?” First of all, are you joking, how could I dare forget you? And I will try to be as happy as possible, doing the right things, with the life you’ve given me. Thanks, you be happy too, and don’t forget me as well, ok? :)

Happy Mother’s Day.(for all those years passed).

For all you reading this, those of you whose mother passed away already like mine did, I am heart-fully sorry for your loss. Some of you might have been with her for a while and suddenly been heart-broken and I can imagine how much you miss her now and will miss her in the future. Just think of the memories she gave you and what she wanted you to become and try to fulfill it while remaining happy. I think one way is to read what she wrote for you or imagine what she would say to you in certain situations, etc. Lets just be the tough little sunflowers she  would dream of us to be. For everyone else with mothers, mother’s day is approaching but don’t wait for it. Don’t give your mom an expensive gift just one day and think that you’ve done enough. In my opinion, Mother’s day should be everyday. You don’t know the full value of her yet, so just trust us and remind her how much you love her and/or miss her, etc. She deserves all of it and a bit more. Without her, you wouldn’t really be here and who you are now and could possibly be, would you?

P.S. Here is that note from her I was talking about. She had some other things written in the diary but this is in the first page. The most important treasure for me, ever.

Note from Mom to me.

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“The idea is to die young, and as late as possible,” a.k.a “YOLO.”

Yolo

YOLO.

 

This might have killed the mood for many of you, but I don’t mean it in the sense that it is widely used: to provoke doing stupid things and making it okay. YOLO or You Only Live Once is actually a merit of life. It is an euphemism for saying:

Live life to your fullest because you are going to die one day no matter what you do, and your existence will be dead. You won’t be able to see, feel, live, listen, smell, or even think.

I want to share my personal view about this. First, have you ever blacked out or fainted for a short period of time? Have you ever had near death experience where you ceased to exist in between? Have you ever been in a coma? If you answered yes to any of those, you should know that who you claim to be, is a certain ‘thing’ or spirit and that ‘thing’ is only attached to the body when you are conscious. It completely cuts all connections to the body when you don’t exist for a certain period of time. That ‘thing’ isn’t in existence and even though it is a good thing to believe in heaven or being re-born as a different person, we humans tend to lean towards superstitious beliefs for obvious reasons and that is a different topic.

What if you weren’t born? What if your brother was born instead of you? Would you have been in Earth, breathing, living life, reading this? Would you be EVER in existence? Probably not. So, you are only one of a kind of gazillions of other ‘things’ that will be in existence.Hence, you should take your time to live this life and do the things that you thing is important to the benefit of the other people that are in existence with you and will come to exist. You should try to be somebody by doing something great and helpful for others and the world. That way, even after you die, you won’t be forgotten. By the way, isn’t that our life’s goal anyways?

You should be more interested in people because they are only one of a kind, you should be active and do the good things in your life that you think will regret in your deathbed if you don’t do it by then. Ask out that one girl or boy that you’ve always wanted to know more about and connect to, but never thought it would be a good idea because of bla bla. What is the worst case scenario? Whatever it is, you won’t regret it as much as you will if you don’t do it at all, right? Do that thing you always wanted to do, whether it be connecting with someone, going back to school to be something, learning something new, having fun tonight instead of working hard, helping your ‘enemy’ when they are in trouble, thanking that person who was always there for you, and the list goes on. Just live your life for once, because you are one of a kind and you only got this ticket to live life once. After you lose your ticket, the theater will be booked for a while for the other audiences who will definitely enjoy the show instead of you. And it’s only worth your money if you enjoy the show fully instead of sleeping through it. Therefore, YOLO.

P.S. The quote in the title was said by Ashley, Montagu.

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Coffee: The Greatest Addiction. But is it good for you?

A lot of us drink coffee, but how much do we actually know about what we are drinking? Are those effects even positive or are negative ones that we don’t know about? Just like me, you might want to learn them, so there are a few things I listed below in an attempt to educate the coffee-drinkers like me out there. I learned most of it from this video but if you would rather read than watch, let me summarize it for you:

  • Coffee is a physiological addiction and not a psychological one. It has been proved that caffeine actually affects your brain cells(not in a bad way) and tells you to drink it more.
  • Rapid withdrawal won’t kill you. Despite of caffeine being an addiction, there is no real effect from immediate withdrawal unlike nicotine or alcohol.
  • No one has died from drinking coffee unlike heroine, cigarettes or alcohol. There is no record of death from coffee. But, even good things are bad for you if you overdose on them, as my grandma used to say, “even sugar starts tasting bitter if you eat too much of it.”
  • Caffeine is the world’s most used psychoactive drug. The world consumes 300 tons of coffee everyday- nearly 7 billion cups each day.
  • Coffee releases dopa-mine to get rid of head aches. 
  • It increases concentration and decreases fatigue. It makes you more active and gives you better memory. This has been proved in the laboratory.

Hopefully you know much more about coffee than you did before. Next time you drink a cup(or if you are drinking it now), remember that it is actually better for you in a lot of ways and be proud of being a coffee-drinker and love it. Oh wait, I think my coffee is done. I love it when the coffee is done. Good day.Image

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